by Dr. David Palmer, Ed.D.
3 ways to calm anxiety about going back to school in our neurodivergent toddlers to teensÂ
Going back to school can be an exciting time. I remember the thrill of getting a new backpack, lunch pail, binder (Trapper Keeper, to be exact), and an assortment of pens, pencils, etc. I also loved learning, so I deeply anticipated the new opportunities to learn and reach my goal of becoming a medical doctor (which changed throughout the years).Â
But I also remember being filled with dread when the school year was about to begin. Mostly, I feared that my peers would again make fun of me or bully me or that I would have a hard time connecting with my friends after a summer off. In fact, this dread would make me sick to my stomach, and I would get massive headaches. This was especially true before my freshman year at high school, where even some of my older "friends" from church said they would haze me like they did the other freshmen. You could see that there was no desire to get up and get myself to school.
My experience is not unique, particularly among students who are neurodivergent or who struggle academically, emotionally, or socially at school. Their fears might be due to social anxiety due to not getting specific social cues or others thinking they're "weird" or "dumb." Others resolve they have to mask the ability they cannot read at grade level or still don't understand addition and subtraction. Others may have greater sensitivity to noisy classrooms, crowded lunch tables, or the flickering lights in the library.Â
All these experiences can profoundly affect our children and produce large amounts of anxiety. Remember, anxiety is when the brain kicks into fight or flight mode, which releases cortisol and adrenaline in the body because of a real or perceived threat. In any case, the anxiety our children feel is real, and we must acknowledge and affirm that fact if we are to help them navigate through and build resilience in these moments of panic, fear, and dread.
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So, what can we as parents do to support and nurture our children in these difficult times and help ease anxiety as they transition back to school?
Here are proactive steps you can take to support and reassure them through this back-to-school transition genuinely. These are based on my experience in school and what has helped my children and the students I work with in my special education classroom.
Preparing for Changes
Anticipating transitions is difficult for some neurodiverse students. This is especially true when entering middle and high school, where campuses are larger than elementary schools, and they must change classes every 45 minutes. That's not to say that elementary school students still need help with intra-classroom transitions (such as moving from reading to math) or inter-classroom transitions (such as going from the classroom to the library or out to lunch). In these students, we must be mindful of how we can implement plans to make difficult transitions more manageable and thus alleviate some of the potential anxiety they feel.
Scheduling a visit to your child's school before the first day allows them to see the classroom space and meet their teacher or a trusted counselor in a lower-pressure setting. During this time, it is beneficial to have a physical map of the campus available, walk through their schedule (if available), and meet the staff who will guide them and ensure they are safe and where they should be.Â
You can also drive by the school route together or look at photos the school has posted online or on social media. Share the excitement and positive experiences you had as a kid with them and how you navigated some of the changes and transitions that made you anxious. Let them see you as an ally who understands the stress but also can draw good times from the experience.
Having visual aids can help reduce uncertainty. Again, printing out a map or class schedule to put into their binder is critical. I even recommend having them create the visual schedule to give them more ownership and familiarity with it. Also, talking through the schedule together for the first few days of school helps as you discuss positives and brainstorm ideas to address challenges together.Â
Remember, providing structure and predictability gives anxious minds something solid to grasp.
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2. Building Connection with a Trusted Ally at School
I don't know what I would have done without trusted allies, aka teachers, who were vital in helping me during my anxious days. I was blessed to have teachers who were not only great at teaching and creating a learning environment for all students but also attuned to how students were feeling and if they were struggling with something.Â
This trusted ally can also be a peer. Last year, I watched in amazement as other students rallied around one of my autistic students to defend him, help him advocate for his needs, and push him to do his best. Because they had a good relationship, he was willing to accept their help and correction. When others tried to do the same, it was not received well because there was no true connection or trust.Â
Our job as parents is to do our best to facilitate these kinds of connections. We do this by being their trusted ally at home and encouraging them to seek out and connect with other safe individuals. This can be tricky since many of our neurodivergent children lack confidence in creating these connections, so our support is vital. One way to do this is by teaching them to find others with similar interests, such as anime or building Lego sets. Another way is to guide them to start small, such as saying hi to someone new daily. This creates a low-pressure, low-risk way to become more comfortable with being themselves and hopefully connect with someone kind and welcoming.
3. Prioritizing Self-Care and Connection
Understanding the brain-body connection is extremely important when supporting our children. What we think affects our physical bodies (like when we worry we get a stomachache or headache), and how we treat our bodies affects our brains (what we believe, value, fear, etc.). Â
We want to ensure that our children get plenty of rest (even our teenagers), stick to healthy routines on school days, and limit screens before bed—these factors make a huge difference. Your child's body and brain will function best if given time to recharge.Â
Be mindful of their sensitivities and dial down stressors like loud environments if possible. Taking time each evening for cozy connection rituals, like reading books together, also boosts well-being. As they get older, encourage your children to keep a gratitude journal and teach them mindful exercises like deep breathing. With our empathetic support, our neurodivergent kids can embrace new challenges from a place of strength.
A Final Thought on Easing Transition Anxiety
The transition back to school can be manageable for our neurodiverse students when given the right practical and emotional tools. Although it is not often an easy road, I know that with patience and creativity, you can help any child adjust with confidence and joy as they embark on educational adventures ahead!
As always, if you have any questions or would like more guidance on this or any other topic related to raising neurodivergent kids, please contact me anytime. You can email me at david@theimatter.co or DM me @drdapalmer on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn.Â
Until next time,
Your partner in cultivating thriving resilience,
Dr. David
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