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3 Ways to Tackle Meltdowns and Manage Big Emotions in Neurodivergent Children

Writer's picture: Dr. David PalmerDr. David Palmer

Updated: Feb 3

by Dr. David Anthony Palmer, Ed.D.

Toddler having a sensory meltdown with loud noises

Have you ever felt at a loss during your child's meltdown?


If so, you're not alone. These moments can be incredibly intense. Believe me, my wife and I have navigated many with our neurodivergent children growing up.


But what if I told you meltdowns aren’t just chaos? What if they are not merely acting out in defiance or just the behavior of a spoiled kid?


They signal that your child’s nervous system needs immediate support. Grasping the brain-body connection can transform your helplessness into calm, connection, and safety.


Emotional Intensity at Home and School


When children experience meltdowns, their emotions can become overwhelming. This can happen at home or in school. It can happen at any time during the day, and it can, many times, seem to come out of nowhere in a fraction of a second.


At home, you might notice your child crying, yelling, or even throwing things in frustration. Explaining their feelings can be difficult. Observing their body language can help. Tension in their body, pacing, or covering their ears indicates stress.


In the classroom, meltdowns can look similar. Your child might refuse to participate or react strongly to small changes or unexpected noises. Such behaviors can create a tense atmosphere for parents and teachers, complicating how to provide help.


Understanding Meltdowns as a Call for Support


Parents and educators need to understand that these meltdowns are pleas for help. Just as a child cries when they scrape their knee, a meltdown is a sign of internal pain. Sometimes, addressing a scrape feels easier than figuring out how to help in a meltdown. However, understanding this internal call for support allows adults to offer comfort. This helps the child regain emotions and feel safe again.


Exploring the Causes Behind Meltdowns


Let’s take a closer look at why meltdowns occur. Understanding triggers can help you respond effectively to your neurodivergent child's needs during these emotional peaks.



What Happens During a Meltdown


Meltdowns are not just emotional outbursts; they stem from how the nervous system reacts to overwhelming stimuli. During a meltdown, various processes unfold in your child's brain and body:


  1. The Brain in Survival Mode: When sensory overload occurs, the brain activates the fight, flight, or freeze response. This is your child's nervous system signaling, “S.O.S. I’m not safe, and I need help.”


  2. Overwhelmed Sensory Input: Bright lights, loud noises, and unexpected changes can overwhelm your child's sensory system. Their brain perceives these inputs as threats, even if they seem trivial to others.


  3. The Body Reacts Physically: Stress hormones like cortisol flood the body during a meltdown. This makes it hard for your child to think clearly or self-regulate. When the amygdala sounds off, reasoning and impulse control go offline.


A Key Takeaway


Meltdowns aren’t about manipulation or misbehavior. They represent your child’s nervous system expressing distress, fears, or feelings of danger.


Why It’s Not Defiance


It’s common to misinterpret a meltdown as defiance, especially when behaviors like screaming arise. It’s easy for adults to leap to conclusions. However, it’s crucial to remember the distinction:


  • Tantrums are goal-oriented: A child may throw a tantrum to get a desired item.

  • Meltdowns indicate a nervous system response: A child experiencing a meltdown lacks control over their reactions and needs external support.


Shift Your Perspective


Viewing meltdowns as biological responses instead of intentional defiance fosters empathy and connection.


A parent and teen co-regulating during a meltdown.

How Adults Can Help Regulate


Your calm presence is vital during a meltdown. Here’s how to co-regulate and establish safety:


  1. Stay Calm:

    • Take slow, deep breaths to model calmness.

    • Be aware of your body language and facial expressions.

    • Speak softly and avoid raising your voice, regardless of stress.


  2. Offer Proximity (If Receptive):

    • Sit nearby without overwhelming your child. Assure them you're ready to help when needed.

    • Respect their space and avoid attempting to control them.


  3. Use Affirming Language:

    • Phrases like, “I see you’re feeling really upset. It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here to help,” can make a significant difference.


  4. Minimize Sensory Triggers:

    • Reduce sensory inputs—dim the lights, minimize noise, or offer sensory tools like weighted blankets.


Actionable Tip


Create a “calm-down kit” with your child in a peaceful moment. Include sensory-friendly items they can use when overwhelmed. Engaging in this process builds understanding.


Fidget tools that can help during a meltdown.

Conclusion: Opportunities to Connect


Meltdowns can be a challenge, but they also offer opportunities to build trust and connection with your child. By understanding the brain-body connection and responding with empathy, you can help your child feel safe, supported, and understood.


Want to learn more actionable strategies?


Download my free guide: “How to Soothe Your Child During a Big Emotion Moment

in Under 90 Seconds*" and start turning chaos into calm today.



 

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